I was searching some websites this afternoon on the issue of touch and trust and came across this image.  It really speaks a strong message.  I think when it comes to working through abuse related issues you can’t really compartmentalize things very well.  OK, this week or this month we’re work on trust; next time we’re work on understanding what love really is and not the screwed up definition you were taught by your abuser.

Here are some definitions I learned as a child:

Love:  be good, be quiet, do what I want you to (including stealing for, or giving into being molested) and I’ll love you; don’t, and I’ll hit you, shove you, smack you, act as if I never even knew you, and make you feel ashamed of who you are.

Touch:  a sensation that could just as easily hug you as rape you; something not to be trusted.

Safe:  only when you’re alone and no one can get to you; an extremely rare occasion.

Trust:  something I’m learning as easily as I learned Latin in high school.

You can’t break these down and re-learn them one at a time.  I’ve learned THAT JUST DOES NOT HAPPEN!  Some things are just too intertwined and have to be worked on as a whole.

The last several months God’s been encouraging me, pushing me, nudging me, whatever you want to call it, in dealing with both physical and emotional touch; the physical touch is what’s referred to as safe touch in regards to abuse.  Thanks to God being busy in my life, I’ve had to rethink some of my definitions and I’ve made the decision to stop holding some of the people in my life back at arm’s length.  I’ve had the offering of a close friendship made to me and decided to try to stop being so afraid, to welcome the physical contact that’s being included, to try to let how I really am show through instead of some facade, to trust that not everyone close to me is going to hurt me.

It’s a step towards healing.

Blessings from January 29th to February 4th:

$195 in insurance money and able to get the muffler and pipework, along with the manifold gasket, repaired on the car last Monday; February 1st.  Car is drivable but still needs a broken strut replaced on the driver’s side.

Prayer Requests:

My wrist has been swollen up in the cast for the last two days (since I woke up Wednesday morning); still working on trying to get it to go back down again.

Roughly another $150 for parts and labor on replacing the broken strut on the car.

Prayer for my nieces’, Barbara (age 9) and Ashley (age 8), whose lives have drastically changed over the last two weeks since their father was arrested for selling marijuana out of their home; for God’s direction and protection in their lives.  It is believed their mother will be charged as well, but those charges have yet to actually happen.

Police Briefs

Sometimes all I can do is just shake my head…

Managed to get the following one from the archives (it’s no longer available for “free” viewing so copied and pasted it)

Tuesday January 19, 2010

Deputies knock, child opens door — and pot wafts out

by From staff reports

SISSONVILLE, W.Va. — A man was charged with possession of marijuana with intent to distribute after deputies from the Kanawha County Sheriff’s Department found nearly 300 grams of marijuana at his Sissonville residence.

Robert Joe Davis, 41, was arrested after deputies received a tip that he was selling drugs from his residence, according to Lt. Sean Crosier.

Deputies went to the home just before noon Monday.

When the door opened, deputies were met by a small child and could smell the odor of marijuana, Crosier said.

After investigating, the deputies discovered numerous small bags of marijuana hidden in almost every room except the child’s bedroom.

The total weight of marijuana measured nearly 300 grams with a street value of just under $3,000.

Deputies also seized more than $1,000 in currency.

Deputy P.J. Hodge transported Davis to the South Central Regional Jail. Additional charges may follow, Crosier said.

(And, for those wondering, yes, it’s the same brother who molested me.)

Here’s another link to the story on my half-brother as well, least till they archive it…

Sissonville Man Charged with Possession of Marijuana with Intent to Distribute – WOWK-TV – WOWKTV.com

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Blessings from January 22nd to the 28th:

Getting to spend time with my best friend, Karen, and her husband, and getting to enjoy knowing their new son, Liam, for the first time since he was born!  They’ve been in for most of the week while presenting their desire to be missionaries in Scotland to multiple churches in the area.

Getting a small crack on the rental van’s windshield fixed completely free of charge thanks to a great friend!

Prayer Requests:

Had to have my left wrist re-casted on the 21st because of the arthritis.  It’s been eaten up by 22 years worth of arthritis and the cast allows it to heal a little bit by keeping it immobilized for the next six weeks.  The orthopedic surgeon brought up the possibility of a wrist replacement surgery but I’m really hesitant on the issue.

Blessings from January 15th to the 21st:

Maybe sounds weird, but more than a solid week of just mostly normal days; since the 13th, no meetings or phone calls with Nationwide, no important decisions having to be made, work at the school has started back up, and life is starting to feel like it’s getting back to it’s old ordinary, and I’m liking that a WHOLE LOT BETTER than last week!

A full Sunday’s worth of services after snow and ice had canceled sooooo many!

Muscle spams in my left shoulder are decreasing; still happening but not as severe!

Twenty months later, I get the first news that the braces on my teeth are FINALLY accomplishing something that they have been meant to!  Spaces have all closed up and starting with the elastics with the next appointment!

Prayer requests:

Still struggling with some lingering pain, and several wakenings during the nights from it.  Back, neck, and left shoulder are still extremely sore.  Fatigue has been ridiculous.

In need of about $200 to fix the car and no idea of where it’s going to manage to come from.

Trying to trust God that transportation needs will work out, especially for doctor appointments, in between having to turn the rental van back in in a couple weeks and the next couple months, while working on getting enough money together to fix the car.

Blessings from January 8th to the 14th:

God sparing my life during the roll-over accident on January 8th!

A rental van for at least a short time!

Being surprised with some belated birthday gifts and a very generous Christmas gift card from the school where I do volunteer work at!

Caring and supportive friends!

Safety while making a second attempt to the doctor’s office!

Learning the car may not be a complete loss after all!

Prayer requests:

Working through all the hassles of dealing with an insurance company in regards to the accident last week

Expenses in getting the rest of the car repaired (complete exhaust system and manifold leak)

Just diagnosed with Raynaud’s Phenomenon, adjusting to a new medication and hoping it’s the right one for treating it for me

Dealing with all the stress from this last week and physical healing from the accident (soft tissue injuries, and previous medical conditions that were aggravated – bulged disc in the neck and pins in both shoulders)

I’m not sure what to make out of this whole last five days except for being reminded of how much I really hate emotional roller coasters.  A week ago my life was boring and since last Friday it’s felt like my world’s been put in some snow globe that just keeps getting shook up

A turn of events has taken place that leaves me even more feeling like I don’t know what to make out of any of this.  Monday I called and talked again with my best friend for advice and because there were so many unknown factors involved with the damage to the car and also with what would happen if Nationwide did go ahead and take the car (if I chose that route), it seemed like there was too few answers in trying to make a tough decision.  It seemed no matter which route I went, I’d still end up wondering if I’d made the right decision with no real way to ever know the answer.  It didn’t help any that the car was well over two hours away from me (at my parents) where I couldn’t easily get another look at it or that I couldn’t seem to get any definite answers from my parents as to getting the car looked at by a mechanic.

Nationwide called and I went ahead and told them to go ahead and take the car.  The next day, yesterday, I made a second attempt to make the doctor appointment and was tensed up the entire 2 1/2 hours traveling up to it.  I don’t think I’ve been that afraid of driving since I was first beginning to learn and it aggravated the soreness even more than it already still was.

Because of the accident, I ended up getting close to the equivalent of a complete physical.  Because of how hard my back still is, the doctor gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxer to try to force my back to start loosening back up.  Because of needing an average of about an extra strength Tylenol an hour, a narcotic strength pain med was prescribed and a med for muscle spasms was also prescribed because of the spasms that have started up running between the left side of my neck down into my left shoulder.

My feet and hands have been having problems as well (that have had absolutely nothing to do with the accident) for several weeks now; I can’t remember when I haven’t had a struggle with them staying cold, but towards the end of December severe pain and weird discolorations (bruise-like spots that would appear and disappear and hands and feet feeling like they’d been smashed by cinder blocks, pain so severe I couldn’t fight back tears) got added to the equation.  I was diagnosed with yet another medical problem yesterday: Raynaud’s Phenomenom, basically a disease that is a vasospastic disorder (causing spasms and narrowing of the blood vessels) causing discoloration, pain, and sometimes swelling in the fingers, toes, and occasionally other extremities, and attacks are caused by cold and stress.  So now, I get another disease to learn about and deal with and another daily medication to add to the 8 others I have to take (between my heart and rheumatoid arthritis).  Hopefully, being able to know finally what has been going on and being able to treat it will help in controlling the pain from it at least.

Coming back from the doctor’s office, I decided to swing by my parents and received a surprise.  My parents and a friend of theirs who is a licensed mechanic had done a good bit of work on my car trying to get it back to working condition.  The front driver-side tire that had been nearly ripped completely off the rim had been replaced with a brand new one and body work had been done to minimize the bashing the car took when it rolled onto the driver’s side after going off the edge of the road.  The manifold is still leaking and needs some work done and the most expensive repair will have to be done in a shop setting – the entire exhaust system will have to be replaced from where the accident caused the bulk of it to be ripped loose from under the car and mangled it up.

Nationwide had decided the car would automatically be listed as totaled for the sole reason of the age of the car, regardless of what it would actually cost to fix it.  Today I’m getting to call them back and tell them it’s being put in a shop for repairs and that they are NOT to attempt to remove it.  Not sure whether to expect a rough time from them over it or not.  When I went in to speak with one of them in their local office on Monday; I was told that Nationwide has a policy of not insuring vehicles that are 15 years old or older.  When I pointed out that mine was already a couple years past that already and they had been taking my money for full coverage on it every month for years now without ever telling me about that part of their policy, I was told the only exception is if the vehicle is insured while it’s still younger than 15 years.  Oh, the things they choose to “conveniently” leave out for their own little benefits.

Because of my shoulders being aggravated by the accident, my family doctor also highly recommended setting up an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon just to be on the safe side and make absolutely certain that nothing serious has somehow been re-injured with the surgical work that was done years ago; that appointment’s scheduled for January 21st.

There have been so many ups and downs since last Friday that it’s felt exhausting and waking up 3 to 4 times a night from pain hasn’t been helping that any.  Wondering if maybe I should stop trying to figure God out so much.

Struggling extremely hard with a lot of anger, confusion, and frustration towards God over losing my only means of transportation; worries over how to get to church activities including small group, to buy groceries, to get my medications, to pick up my mail at the school each week, to getting to doctor appointments (all of but one of which are long distance).  And getting my exercise in during the winter is probably not happening, since it was walking laps around the inside of the Mall; most other exercises I haven’t been able to do for a long time now with my joints.

Found out this afternoon after talking with the claims adjuster that my car is definitely being written off as totaled regardless of the damages, all because of simply how old it was.  After the deductible is subtracted, there’ll be roughly $500 if the car isn’t listed as being in previous accidents with any other owners that came before me (if there are, I’ll get even less).  The ONLY reason I got full coverage was so if anything ever happened to the car, I wanted it to be enough to help provide the next one.  No one ever told me if the car was “too old” full coverage was going to be a waste of money.

Parents are furious at me because I chose to let insurance handle it (even though they were the ones who initially told me to and even helped me with having all the details written down and ready when I called), believing it was the better route to go, and found out that since it’s being listed as totaled that I get about one more week or so with the rental van rather than the up to $1,100 I was told I’d have.  As soon as I’m asked to return it, I’ll be expected to do so immediately or start paying out of pocket because the insurance will no longer pay for it even though I’d still have more time otherwise.

Frustrated over being told if I want to keep my preferred status with Nationwide, I’ll keep at least liability ($40-something a month) while I have NO CAR and that, if I don’t, I’ll be listed as high-risk whenever I do have a car again and try to start the insurance back up.

Worried about a shoulder with pins in it that hasn’t let up on the pain as the rest of me has (the shoulder is actually getting worse and worse) and has now started having severely painful spasms that nothing is controlling; a shoulder that took over eight hours of major surgery to try and heal it and left me for two months of being dependent on others for almost literally everything.

Why is it that the more you try to live right and do the things you know you should, that that’s when God seems to send a bombshell at you?

Sometimes prayers get answered in the affirmative but in ways that leave me wondering did it really have to be “that way?!”  Wasn’t there some other literally gentler way to show His provision?!  I’m not trying to be nit picky with God; I’m actually trying to show a lil bit of humor though it’s not being easy to do with a bum that’s still hurting from a pain shot and a body that is feeling more and more like it’s been steam-rolled or something.  I’ve been up 21 hours at this point (woke up at 5am-ish yesterday and it’s 1:50am today), feeling exhausted while still feeling like the adrenalin is still sending it’s remains through my system and just got home from the ER.

The prayer request:  safe travels for the doctor appointment yesterday.

The answered prayer:  a car that looks like a beast reached up inside it’s guts and tried to rip them out, along with giving it a nasty raking on it’s side, a driver with way too much adrenalin still running through her system, too many emotions, a pretty bruised up pelvic bone, a doctor appointment to reschedule and still go to, some pre-existing medical problems that have been aggrravated at this point by severe spinning and at least two jarring impacts before the car finally stopped (a moderately bulged disc in the neck and two shoulders with pins in them), and images of views that I never hope to experience seeing again for as long as I live (hoping for no nightmares),

BUT…

a seat belt that very securely held me in place, no shattered windows (told I was extremely lucky on that one and they didn’t see how that one managed to not happen), an engine that does still run by some kind of miracle even though the car isn’t drivable, an accident that happened almost right in front of a house (with someone home) even though it was on a very rural road with good size distances between neighbors, no pain for nearly eight hours before it started rearing it’s ugly head, no broken bones or other more serious types of injuries, a compassionate doctor in the ER, and a 2010 very nicely loaded mini van for either the next 27 days or as long as I need it (whichever comes sooner) with no out-of-pocket expenses!  That one’s being N-I-C-E!!!

Right now I feel like one massively giant over-strained muscle and the doctor’s comforting words about how I am going to be hurting a whole lot worse tomorrow and maybe even worser than that the next day, but after that things should start to begin to feel better again.  Can we just skip the next two days and go straight to the let’s start feeling better again part?!

Anybody up for a massage?!

I’ve decided to try something new this year; to try and remember the blessings that God has sent my way each week!  Hoping it keeps me focused on God’s faithfulness and provisions in my life and a boost if things start seeming rough!

Blessings from January 1st to the 7th:

Being invited over for an evening of excellent food and great fellowship; my first taste at a little bit of African food as they are friends who immigrated from there several years ago to attend the same Bible College that I did!

That same evening, when I found my car locks frozen shut from 17 degree temperatures, one of my new neighbors (who at the moment was still a stranger to me) worked for 20 minutes out in that bitter cold to help me in de-icing my locks while his wife welcomed me in out of the weather that was making my rheumatoid act up severely; all so I could still enjoy the evening with my friends!

A friend to spend the night after being snowed in alone almost the entire week long!

Truly being able to focus on God’s faithfulness and hoping for the future rather than dwelling on how things “should have been”; God’s help in easing the struggle with my thought life and emotions a little.

Prayer requests:

Safe travel as I drive up past my parents on Friday (January 8th) for a doctor appointment; about 5 hours round-trip drive time that tends to aggravate the pins in both my shoulders because of the distance, and in weather that has not been good this week.

Rheumatoid arthritis that’s been aggravated by the excessive cold all this week, specifically in my hands and feet.

Wisdom with my finances and learning to figure out the wisest way to handle the electricity (an issue I have never had to deal with before).

Also, for emotionally healing in dealing with the grief from the adoption issues.