Sometimes the goodness of God can truly take us by surprise and His timing can really amaze us; since Monday I’ve experienced both!

For the last few weeks, my car has had some small grinding noises coming from it and I asked ABC’s school mechanic if he could take a look at it.  I had to wait until hunting season was over (the week of Thanksgiving) but was able to finally have it in the shop this last Tuesday.  It was supposed to be a one day job but became obvious part way through that day that the job was turning out a lot more complicated than the school mechanic thought it was going to be; he was going to need a second day before he’d have it finished. 

On the second day, as he was testing the new brake pads out to make sure everything was working fine, the back brake line busted.  This was the last thing he was doing with my car before handing me back the keys; if the brake line had busted any later, it would of happened as I would have been driving it and the results could have ended in tragedy.  As disappointed and frustrated as I was to realize the car was taking more time than originally planned, God knew what he was doing and His timing was perfect!  The brake line could not have busted at a better time or place than the mechanic’s shop!  God’s hand of protection was truly on me, and those who would have otherwise been around me!

Yesterday I was blessed with experiencing even more of God’s goodness and provision!  Our church has what we call Life Groups (small groups) that they encourage us to participate in if we want and the one I’ve joined had our last meeting for the year on Friday of last week.  During that meeting, talk came around to a new movie that’s been out in the theaters for the last couple weeks; it’s called “The Blind Side” and I highly recommend it to everyone!  Talk came up about the possibility of us having a movie night and going as a group to see it and Tuesday was the night chosen for it.

The movie theater was also the last place I saw my change purse at but I didn’t realize it until the next afternoon as I was preparing to leave to pick a friend up from work.  That change purse held almost every crucial document that I have:  my driver’s license, social security card, three medical cards (one being my prescription drug card), my bank card, and my ONLY means of buying groceries for the next three weeks ($75 worth).  My friend and I went out to another friend’s home to check their van for it since that I had been my transportation the night before, we then returned to the movie theater to see if it might of been fortunate enough to have been turned in at the Lost and Found, we spent several hours late into that night searching my apartment, and then later searched hers as well (just in case).  I finally had to admit that odds were probably extremely strong that it had been stolen at the movie theater.  I was pretty upset by what all missing those cards did, and might potentially, mean as far as consequences for myself.

Yesterday, one of my first stops was at my church’s office.  Every month there are several church members who give donations to the church (canned foods, etc.) that are then given to help those in need who go to the Salvation Army for help.  After explaining my predicament, my first question had been to ask if the church office could just provide me with a referral so that I could go to the Salvation Army and receive some help.  I asked if that wouldn’t be possible for some reason, was there any way then that the church themselves could help.  I wasn’t able to receive an immediate answer but was told that the church secretary would see what she could do and that she’d give me a call later that day.  About an hour later, I was blessed far more than I had prayed for!  Even if all I had received was a referral letter, I would have been extremely grateful but, I not only received a referral letter, but also multiple gift cards to help out even more!  God truly takes care of us even beyond our own expectations!

The rest of yesterday morning into mid-afternoon was spent running to the Social Security office, Department of Motor Vehicles, my bank, the Salvation Army, Department of Health and Human Resources, and Wal-mart.  At every one of those offices the wait was extremely short each time before getting to speak with whomever I needed to speak too with three of them having no one else waiting in line ahead of me and, although I no longer had any picture ID because of my driver’s license also being stolen, everything got pushed through with literally just a social security number and my latest utility bill (I had been led to believe to expect a really difficult time with not having a picture ID or my birth certificate.)  It was like God was opening doors and making them really easy to step through from one government office to the next!

Although it probably shouldn’t have, with being a Christian, God really opened my eyes yesterday and drew my focus back to Him!

… what severely hurts is knowing there is no plan, no purpose, just existence, that dreams and hopes are mistakes that only leave pain in their wake.

I received an email within the last hour letting me know that the birth mother in Kansas has chosen a couple in Florida as the adoptive parents for her child that is due in February.  Please be in prayer for me as I continue to wait for God’s plan in His timing.

has felt exhausting but OH SO GOOD!!!!!  This update has been some time in coming for two reasons:  one, if I haven’t been busy scrubbing and cleaning, I’ve been unpacking or doing volunteer work at Greater Beckley and two, the tenants that got evicted left this place so “trashed” that I hesitated to show any before pictures like I had originally hoped to plan on.

Some have asked me why the landlord hadn’t cleaned the place before giving me the keys.  Simply, because I practically begged him to please let me move in just as soon as possible so I could just get out of the old neighborhood.  A few of my previous neighbors were great but the majority of them were a lil too interesting (to put it as nice as possible) and one in particular was having the cops called out on him about once a month every month over domestic violence and fears for the baby living there.  It gets tiring spending your time hiding in your apartment and hesitant to answer the door or else trying to just be anywhere but.

I promised the landlord that if he’d just let me have the keys as soon the the previous tenants were out of here that I wouldn’t mind in the least to clean the place myself.  I received the keys two weeks ago today and I have spent every day but yesterday doing more cleaning than unpacking.  When I said the previous tenants “trashed” it I don’t mean it in the sense that I guess that’s really meant to be used for.  I meant you couldn’t have walked a straight line across a single room in this place; every foot or so another item was in your way.  I’ve carried out (and sometimes dragged out) about eight industrial-sized garbage bags of trash.  Papers, broken items, dishes with so much fungus growing on them that gloves were the only way I was willing to touch them, clothing left behind, broken mattresses and other pieces of broken furniture, half eaten food just dumped here and there on the floors; the kitchen floor was so covered in sticky goo that your shoes tried to adhere to it with every step (almost as if you were trying to walk on still wet glue).  Drink splatter and crayon markings on almost every wall (literally) in the place but,

as bad as all that sounds,

life really and truly is OH SO MUCH BETTER than it was two weeks ago and as exhausted as I’ve felt over the last two weeks, I still wouldn’t have chosen any differently.

After dusting spider webs and clumps of dust off the ceilings and scrubbing the walls clean from the ceiling to the floors, the paint job (while I’d prefer a new coat) isn’t bad at all.  While there are stains almost everywhere on the carpets, I’m no longer afraid to walk on it without my shoes on, and I was blessed with a free carpet shampooer off of Free Cycle a few days ago.  A bottle of carpet cleaner solution and hopefully the carpeting will be looking dramatically improved.  The neighbors in the other three apartments are fairly quiet and seem pretty normal   Nobody has yet to call the cops on each other and no drug busts have taken place like the two that happened just feet from my living room window in the old place.  I am not missing the drama one ounce from living near downtown Beckley.

Depending on how you count the rooms, there’s 8 or 9.  The one room that was being counted as a second bedroom, I’m choosing to turn into a library/study room (at least for now), then there’s a kind of front entrance room, living room, laundry room, bathroom, kitchen, food pantry/storage room, bedroom, and a mud room at the back end.  I keep slipping up and calling the place a “house” instead of an apartment when I’m talking to people.  It doesn’t help that any with the outside looking like a house and the inside feeling more like a house than an apartment; I have almost the entire first floor to myself!

And the greatest blessing of all, and the one that’s crucial for me emotionally, is that I feel SAFE for the first time in about 19 months!  Not just safe locked within my apartment, but safe within the community and free to move around without feeling a need to always stay in after dark or to be looking back over my shoulder.  This place isn’t being judged by just a drive or two up the street and the neighbors at just that moment or two but on seven years of being familiar with Prosperity with my church just .2 miles away (not even a quarter of a mile) and the Bible College just a few miles more (didn’t actually measure that one).  In seven years time, I have yet to have witnessed for myself or to have heard one single negative comment about the area and I trust it and it’s feeling extremely good to be able to do that about where I live once again!

I still don’t have the insides done enough for me to feel comfortable showing it yet but here’s one from my living room window showing a little of the community and our first snow of the season that has actually stuck around some

… to Prosperity, West Virginia one week from this Saturday!  Moving Day is scheduled for November 14th and I’m extremely excited!  Larger apartment, washer and dryer hookups, a little yard with permission for a small garden come Spring time, much better neighborhood, half a mile from church and work, life is getting a lot nicer!  I have one truck lined up for help in moving things but am still in need of some more physical labor in exchange for a meal that day.  If there’s any friends out there with that day off, and that live close enough, and that wouldn’t mind helping, PLEASE let me know!  Thanks!

I am soooooo loving this move!!!

I was very pleasantly surprised with a message today sent to me by a friend who has taken notice of my foster adopt blog. To keep things vague for now, out of respect for their privacy, I will simply say that my friend contacted me because she has a friend whose sister is five months along in her pregnancy but will not be able to keep the child due to some personal circumstances in their lives at the time.  They are seriously searching for an adoptive placement and I was contacted to see if I would be interested in being considered as an adoptive parent for the child.

I have written back to my friend letting her know that I am very much interested and have passed on my contact information.  I’m currently waiting to hear something back from them.

Please be in prayer with me for this young woman as she is dealing not only with the physical and emotional effects of her pregnancy but also having to make some very important decisions out of her love for her unborn child and what she determines to be in the child’s best interests.  This was completely unexpected for me but I’m excited and encouraged that I am being considered.

These last thirteen days have been the most emotional days of the last eleven months of my life; since I placed the online inquiry to AdoptUSKids.org and received the first phone call about my interest in foster adopt that same night.  This last almost entire year now has been stressful from realizing the seriousness of taking the first step to work toward my dreams of motherhood, through completing thirty hours of PRIDE training, six more hours of In-Service training, over six hours of extremely invasive home study meetings, over seven hours of psychological interview and testing, multiple long-distance doctor appointments, literally months of silence from DHHR, pouring literally my entire savings into this between passing the home safety requirements and preparing for a first placement, and culminating in a letter of denial.  Nearly a solid year of the biggest and longest emotional roller coaster I ever want to ride on and doing so with both supporters and judgers; a year of excitement, nervousness, worries, hopes, dreams, prayers and tears.

The last thirteen days, however, have felt like trying to re-cram the last eleven months all over again, but into less than two weeks time instead of being so spread out.  I feel exhausted emotionally and physically and it doesn’t help with having struggles in not being able to sleep.  The last thirteen days have brought even more love and support, encouragement, but also even more criticism as well.  All but one of those days, I have done my best to fight back against the depression that has done it’s best to drag me down.  Each day is being done by sheer determination because I’m feeling completely exhausted and a large part of me doesn’t want to do anything, let alone something as difficult as kicking my own hind end.  But I’m too afraid of where I’ll end up, if I don’t; I’ve been there and it’s worth fighting not to go back there again.

I know I’ve wavered on this over the last two weeks.  I want to fight back; who wouldn’t when their biggest and longest life’s dream feels like it’s dependent on fighting back.  I’ve wanted to be a mother for more than 16 years now, since I was still in high school; it feels like the one thing that has meant the most to me for the longest time of my entire life.  While other dreams have come and gone, this is the one that has never left, never even faded.  I have never wanted anything more than I have wanted this.  But even the strongest soldier gets tired and weary and discouraged, and I have never considered myself to be extremely strong.  I want to fight back but I also feel overwhelmed, discouraged, defeated, tired.  Physically, I feel exhausted and my eyes are burning from not being able to sleep and crying what feels like way too much.

I’m trying to be careful in how I’m going to put this next part because some of the things that have increased my struggles over the last two weeks have come from some of the closest friends who have done nothing more but honestly mean well by me and I don’t want to have this taken as rejection or to offend them in anyway.  PLEASE KEEP THAT IN MIND!!!

Please don’t ask me ‘well, can’t you have kids of your own.’  Any one who asks that, I believe, does so out of ignorance as to how severely that really hurts.  Please don’t judge me anymore because at times I’ve said I wasn’t sure about whether to appeal the decision or not, or straight out said that I wasn’t going to appeal it.  Please don’t judge me because at midnight this morning (or so) I decided, after a personal e-mail from a worker at AdoptUSKids, to go ahead and fill out the grievance form which will be mailed out in a few more hours.  Please don’t judge me because I chose to give away almost every thing I had bought and collected for my first placement; suggesting that I should have tried to of sold it all and had that as at least a way to try and get some of my savings back doesn’t help.  The issue wasn’t about money for me; it was my dreams for a daughter.  The grief of feeling that you have lost a child is way far greater than having lost money and the afternoon that I received that denial letter it truly felt as if that child I had treasured in my heart had died.  Please don’t remind me that I never had a guarantee of a child; my head knows that but my heart forgot and could not have loved her more.

Right now is not the best timing to remind me that there will be other ways and other opportunities to work with children.  I know that, but while I enjoy working with them, that wasn’t and isn’t my dream.  If that would be enough to satisfy, then why does any one at all go through such an emotional trip as what completing a home study and training forces you to.  It wouldn’t be worth it.  I have worked with children since I was in high school and it has been fun and rewarding.  I have also helped in the daily raising of two boys for the first 7 and 9 years of their lives and there are major differences in working with them and in raising them.  Working with them is enjoyable and rewarding as well but I have known the differences and my heart isn’t satisfied with simply working with them for a couple hours a week; my heart cries out for far more than simply working with them provides.

Please, as well intentioned as you have been, again please, don’t suggest that I try other adoption agencies.  Maybe that will possibly be an option for later but right now I feel like I couldn’t hurt much worse.  Yes, except for last night, it has been a week since the tears were uncontrollable but that’s because the pain has been being forced to be held inward.  It doesn’t feel like it has lessened any; I have fought harder against allowing it to flow.  I honestly don’t know which is worse.

I have had sperm banks suggested to me, IVF has also been suggested; those suggestions aren’t helping.  Please stop going in those directions.  Sometimes it is possible for friends to be extremely well intentioned but in those well intentions, to manage to provide suggestions and advice that inflict even more hurt and pain than what was already there.

If you want to know some of the suggestions and advice given to me that has helped…

Encouraging me to write out Scriptures on index cards and keeping them with me has helped, prayers have helped, a good friend allowing me to spend a morning playing with her youngest and part of another afternoon reading books to her second youngest has helped, hugs has helped, listening has helped as well, encouragement to keep getting up each day and eating and continuing to go into work and still getting my walks in has helped, helping me to refocus on the beauty and happiness surrounding me has helped, encouragement in getting back into church more than once a week has helped, seeing smiles has helped, helping me in finding something to look forward to has helped, keeping me busy has helped.

I apologize for this being so long but, since I’m going through with the appeal, I feel I need to go ahead and include a copy of the denial letter and my filled-out grievance form since I promised over a week ago that I would.

“”"Beginning of the denial letter from DHHR***

August 28, 2009

Dear Ms. Davis:

This letter is to notify you of action taken on your homestudy application to provide Foster and Adoptive care services.  We regret to inform you that after careful consideration, our agency must deny your homestudy.  This decision was based on a staffing held with the Homefinding Unit on September 1, 2009.

Your application to provide Foster Adoptive Care services has been denied based on Homefinding Policy 14, which states the following:

Section 14.2 states:  The prospective foster/adoptive parent, as well as allother household members, must be of sound mental health.  If a prospective foster/adoptive parent has a long history/record of mental health or substance abuse issues or problems, then the Homefinding specialist should request a psychological evaluation or substance abuse evaluation.  Or, if the Homefinding specialist feels that a psychological evaluation or substance abuse assessment is necessary to determine the parent’s ability to provide services, due to the prospective foster/adoptive parent’s behaviors during the home study process, they may request a psychological evaluation or substance abuse assessment.

Section 14:3 states:  If the references raise questions about the character or ability of the applicant, the Homefinding specialist will discuss these issues with the Homefinding Supervisor prior to going forward with the application.  Information obtained by the references will be weighed against information gathered through the other aspects of the family assessment.

There are concerns that have come to the Department’s attention throughout your homestudy application.

• Some of the references that were provided on your behalf were lacking in depth and understanding of the dynamics of your household.  A community reference verbalized a concern with regard to your capability to be a foster adoptive parent.
• Professionals have indicated concern with regard to your ability to care for the needs of a child in an emergency situation that requires immediate attention.
• There were also noted concerns in the psychological evaluation that concluded that you could greatly benefit from intensive therapy.

You have a right to appeal this decision.  If you wish to appeal this decision, please complete the attached client/provider grievance form (SS-28) and return it to my supervisor within sixty (60) days from the date of this letter.

Should you have any questions or concerns, please contact me at …….

(I deliberately left out identifiable information; this is the bulk of the letter)

***End of the denial letter from DHHR***

***Beginning of the filled-in grievance form, minus the header***

I, Nancy Jean Davis, wish to file a grievance with the West Virginia Department of Health and Human Resources, Office of Social Services.

I am dissatisfied for the following reasons:

1. A large percentage of the questions on the reference forms are asked with the assumations that the applicant is married and/or has children and clearly did not apply to myself as a single adult.
2. It is claimed that a professional had questioned my ability to care for a child in the case of an emergency but both my family doctor and rheumatologist have submitted approvals for me to care for a child ages two and older.
3. Although I do still struggle on rare occasions with depression and PTSD, I was assured that as long as I was found to be emotionally stable, that the abuse I endured as a child would be viewed as an asset.  Although the counselor who performed the psychological evaluation did recommend more therapy for me, she clearly stated on both pages 6 and 7 (of her report) that I am emotionally stable.

(I added a note:  This was not mailed out from DHHR until October 6th leaving me with 20 days to appeal, instead of the 60 days.  A copy of the denial letter and postmarked envelope, along with the copy of the psychological evaluation should be enclosed with this form.)

I understand this form will be forwarded to the State Office, Board of Review.  A Grievance Hearing will be scheduled by a State Hearing Officer.

***End of the grievance form***

Prayers are the greatest offering you could give right now and up through the Hearing that will be scheduled.  I don’t want to scare anyone off from leaving comments or sending a private e-mail at jeannie.davis@abc.edu but I do want to ask you to please put yourself in my shoes; if you wouldn’t want it said to you, or if it was advice you wouldn’t give to yourself, if you were in the same circumstances, please rethink it before you send it.  The grievance form is ready to be mailed out, shy of making copies for my records, and will be mailed out today.  I could still use reference letters if anyone feels led to; e-mail or comment on here for specifics on that.

We’re expecting  the first taste of the winter starting sometime during the night tonight and going until early afternoon tomorrow and I still say it’s too early to be this cold yet    I guess that’s what we get when summer forgot it was supposed to of showed up this year.  Tonight’s low is supposed to be 35 and I have plans to be quite warm!

In other news…

I’ve been keeping busy with volunteer work, trying to get in a walk almost every day (walking indoors for roughly two miles at Crossroads Mall due to the messier and colder weather), and trying to make an effort at getting back into church like I need to be instead of just Wednesday nights.  I’m still struggling a little with the blow from DHHR; most days are going alright for me with the hard days becoming a lot more rarer.  Each day has been a determination that I won’t cave under but that I WILL get up, I WILL eat, I WILL go to work, I WILL take my walk, I WILL look for the positives around me and I WON’T shut myself off!  I’ve made up verse cards I’m keeping either on me or at least within easy reach every day and trying hard to keep my mind looking towards the future.

I’m almost finished with the new teacher’s lounge I’ve been working on at GBCS and it is looking absolutely great!  I wish I’d of thought to include a “before” picture but…  I absolutely love the bright cheerful yellow that was decided upon!  A few words of wisdom to the naive; don’t EVER, EVER, EVER put up wall paper or wall paper border, the cute pictures are NOT worth all the hours of scrubbing off the multiple layers to the paper and the glue when it’s time to take it down.  This has definitely been my biggest project yet and it’s feeling sweet seeing it nearing the finished product!  I’m planning to include a couple pictures of it probably in about another week; it is really wrapping up nicely!  Next week is going to be a lot of painting and then thoroughly cleaning up from all the mess.

And…

If all else works out, my biggest news will be moving to a two bedroom apartment in Prosperity sometime within the next month (roughly)!  The current tenant is expected to be evicted in about 30 days and the landlord sounds like it’s a pretty done deal.  I’m pretty excited about it (not them getting booted out; me getting to move in)!  I’ve seen the outside but not the inside yet but I’m pretty sure I’m going to take it.  It’ll have me within about a half mile of my church and the school, finally give me a place to hook up my washer and dryer, and the landlord has OK-ed me planting a small garden for next Spring!  I am sooooooo wanting this to work out!

Blessings this last week…

Friends who have shown me tremendous love and support,

Being able to trust and open up to those reaching out to me (if you know me, you know that takes real effort on my part),

Being invited to read story books to two very special little girls in my life,

Getting to watch the high school Crusader’s kick butt in a tri-match,

No tears since last Sunday and a few moments of laughter this last week,

Seeing some of the last of this year’s flowers,

when the pain becomes too much and all you want to do is retreat

when tears feel never ceasing and you’re left wondering ‘why?’

when no direction you turn in is right and you tire of trying

And God still remains so silent.

This blog is no longer about adoption or foster care.  I need time to heal.

This is going out to all of those who have followed me as I have spent the last 11 months working through the process to foster adopt a child and I am only asking this of you IF you feel led to do so.  If you don’t feel led to, that is completely OK.  For those who were references for me as part of the home study, please also consider writing a second letter of reference as well since they also stated that my references were “lacking in depth and understanding of myself and my household.”

I am going to attempt to appeal the denial letter but have extremely limited time to do so (DHHR held onto the denial letter for 39 of the 60 days that I have to appeal it in before they mailed it to me).  I am typing up my appeal letter today and will post it to the foster adopt blog some time this evening so those who are interested in specifics may read it.  Right now, if you want and believe you can help, one way that you can is by writing a reference letter to me and either hand-delivering it to me (if you live locally and will see me over the next week) in a sealed envelope or mailing it to the following address (Miss Nancy Jean Davis; PO Box ABC; Bradley, West Virginia 25818-1353) so that I may include it with my grievance form.  If you are willing to do this/feel you are able to, please let me know ASAP as I have little more than two weeks to gather everything and have it submitted.

It needs to include how long you have known me and in what capacities you have known me.  It also needs to include why you feel (if you feel) that I am capable of caring for a foster care child and how you feel I can help a foster care child, in being able to feel safe, cared for,  loved, and in being able to heal from the abuse done to them.  If you feel that the abuse in my past would be either a hindrance or a help, please be willing to state that in the letter and why you feel how you do about it.  Also, include any strengths or weaknesses that you see in me as well as commenting on my character (as much as you have observed in me).  It also needs to include contact information for you (full name, mailing address, and a number you are most likely to be easily reached at).  Any husbands and wives need to be as one letter.  PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU SIGN YOUR SIGNATURE!!!!!

If any of you have any questions at all before doing this, please do not hesitate to ask me.  I apologize for the shortness on time but everything needs to be included when it is submitted and everything submitted as one package to keep any of it from being misplaced by the State Department.  This is not going to my regional home finder but will be being submitted to her supervisor and then forwarded on to the state office.  After that, the Grievance Form says a Grievance Hearing will be scheduled by a State Hearing Officer.

I am setting next weekend as the deadline to have everything put together because I want to be able to mail it out a week from today at the very latest.  For those of you who have truly believed that I could do this, there has to be reasons why you’ve felt that way; please be willing to put it in writing.  Please also let me know who you are in advance so I can know when I have the last letter in, in case they can be mailed sooner.

Thank you!

Again, please either hand-deliver the letters in a sealed envelope or mail them to the address I included in this posting.