Posted by: Jeannie | February 11, 2010

Be still and know that I Am God

No, I don’t think God is trying to tell me that I’m being too busy right now.  Last year was so full of training classes, doctor appointments, home study meetings, shopping trips, dreaming about my “daughter”, and constantly trying to plan the future, both short and long-term, that, if I’m going to be honest with myself, I sort of lost God in the shuffle.  Note that I lost God. He didn’t go off anywhere, He didn’t get too preoccupied with everything going on in the world, He didn’t quit providing for me, He never stopped loving me even though I put Him off to the side and basically told Him I’d catch up with Him later, and later almost never seemed to come.  I was the one completely at fault and yet He loved me just as much as He ever has and kept waiting patiently for me to finally come back to rest in His arms and to trust in Him!

Did I ever tell you that trust is probably the most biggest and hardest thing I struggle with in my day-to-day life; with God, with strangers, sometimes even with those that I have my closest relationships with, and sometimes I feel like I’m not even trusting myself (in whether I’ve made the right decisions, reading facial expressions – a problem I’ve had pointed out to me and have been told probably is connected to the abuse and dissociating during times when it was happening – , and other things).

God; the Creator of the entire Universe (including me), perfect, holy, just, all-powerful, able to be everywhere, the One who created chemistry and every other subject that’s always been way over my head, the One who never makes mistakes, never lies, never leaves me, provides for my every need and even a good bit of my wants, the One who knows my heart and my thoughts more so than I wish He did sometimes, the One who continuously loves me in spite of my mistakes (and sometimes they have been H-U-G-E ones), the One who loves me always, the One I should be able to trust above all others in my life.

And, yet, one of my faults is that I trust me way more often than I trust God.  Real rational, huh?

You know something I’ve suspected about myself?

If God had allowed me to go ahead and have my “daughter” right now, I suspect things wouldn’t be changing in my relationship with God like it has been over the last month and something.  I had sooooo many hopes, and plans, and dreams for my “Kathleen Joy”, my “Katie Joy” as I’d planned to rename her upon finalizing the adoption.  I suspect I’d be extremely busy with her right now and God would still be sitting off to the side where I left Him, still with His arms open wide, still waiting for me to come to Him, while my universe revolved around my “Katie”; the greatest gift, in my eyes, that God could ever give to me, and I would of been too busy spending time with her to probably even thank Him for giving her to me!

I know myself well enough to suspect that’s probably exactly how things would be going.  Yes, I know how it sounds and I know it means there’s still need for more growth; there always will be in some area or another.  Right now God’s cultivating in my life, and often-times I don’t like the shears He’s using or the parts of me He decides could use a little pruning, but I need to keep in mind that the Hands holding those shears are never going to slip, like my human ones, and prune anywhere that wasn’t necessary.

I think right now is one of my many times in life to be still and know that He is God.  My time to learn to truly trust in Him.  To stop running my own life and let Him guide it.  My time not just to know that He’s Who He Is, but to learn, truly understand, and praise Him for Who He Is.  And, in His time, He’ll show me the plans He has for my life!  Pray that I can continue to trust that, especially through times when things feel rough, or my own dreams want to threaten to take over again and put God to the side.

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