Posted by: Jeannie | April 25, 2014

Trying to make sense of the sense-less

I feel a little bit like Job right now. I have so many questions for God but no answers. I have yet to turn to God. I’ve had the desire for the last hour to pick up my Bible and read it, but don’t know where to start.

I’m angry. I’m hurting. I’m confused. A very large part of me wants to demand WHY??? Sometimes it feels like God is gently whispering to my soul, calling me to Him, and other times there’s only torturous silence.

Grief is a very complicated thing. I was given the impression last night, by my foster adoption worker, that my home study has been denied. I was speaking with her about my references and she told me they had held a staff meeting regarding my case and that she would not need to check any of my references. She said I’d be receiving a letter soon telling me more.

We were attending the monthly support group meeting and I tried to hide what was going on inside of me. I tried to hide the pain. I wanted to scream and sat in silence instead. I tried to join into conversations a few times. I even laughed at a couple funny stories. I did not want her to know how bad those few words had hurt.

I came home and thought taking the dog for a walk would help; I have no clue whether it did or not. I took pictures of my daffodils. I texted my best friends. Both tried to provide comfort. One called back and we talked for nearly 30 minutes as she put her boys to bed. I cried on her the entire time and apologized repeatedly.

Last night I felt like something in my heart or soul was shattered; today it feels hard inside.

As I’m writing this, I’m sitting on a bed done up in princess bedding, looking at an open closet full of children’s clothing in various sizes, numerous toys, and a small bookcase full of children’s books. And it hurts.

I know I need to trust God in this. I know I need to let go. I feel like I don’t know how. It’s not as easy as just sitting an object down on a shelf and walking away. My heart keeps looking back and wondering what I did wrong, is this some sort of punishment.

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